Do not read unless you are drunk or mentally unstable or you will never make any sense of it.

Mixed feelings, like mixed drinks, are a confusion to the soul. George Carman

What about the week from hell? I knew from the beginning that things would never work with J. And so why am I sitting here looking at the end so full of different emotions? For four years now we have proven that it was never going to get better. I have moved on with my life and he has moved on with his. Is it the finality of it all? The final straw the last line to be signed? I should be happy about the end, but I still feel a little sad and bewildered. I think that somewhere in my head this was my last chance at the American dream of marriage, family and a happy home. I know the rational answer would be that I wasn't happy and would have never been but I just can't help thinking that I am throwing it all away. If there were ever a conversation with ones self that went so many different directions this is it. I don't want to be with him, I want to be with the idea of him.

Enough of that and on to the rest of the drama that is me....thinking about all the stuff in the last little while I realized that I have never had so much drama in my life. Not even in high school! I know, I know, I bring most of it on myself. I didn't know at the beginning that Philly was otherwise involved. And I just don't have the will power to get rid of him. I know how the old saying goes about "if he cheats with you he will cheat on you." I just know that we are not going to get to that point so it doesn't bother me. Philly and I came to a bit of an agreement if that is what you would call it. We both know that there is nowhere for this whole deal to go. So we are just going to have fun together while we can and then go our separate ways. Philly is a huge flirt, I know this. So why was I a bit jealous when he was flirting with a friend of mine the other night? Maybe because some of his jealous streak rubbed off on me? Was it the particular friend, that bothers me? How ironic is it to say "I am mad that my married boyfriend was flirting with another girl?" WTF!-V