I am going to post today, even if it kills me.

Finally! What a relief it is to get this post out of my system. The last week has been such a roller coaster ride. I spent a five days with my bf B. Even before I left I could feel that something was amiss with Philly. He actually said that he was going to kinda miss me, while I was gone. I was all to ready too run for the hills after that comment. He said that he would really like to see me when I got back. I am sure that I sound like a complete lunatic. I thought that we had a good thing going. Some of you understand what I am talking about. I was not looking for a relationship, we just have nice hot sex. No complications no drama. I knew that it could not last. He is usually here for the weekdays and then goes home on the weekends, now he all the sudden wants to stay all week. I was doing so well keeping feelings out of it. SHIT! I have felt like I have been sliding toward the whole relationship thing for the last few weeks, I took some time away and talked myself out of it.
I don't think that he even knows what he wants. He is like a light switch. He says things that a boyfriend would say. Then just a quickly goes back to the "we are just having fun, no emotions, no feelings." It sounds so stupid now. We have not really had very many conversations. I mean real live talks about each other, he is on some kick about getting to know me the last couple of weeks. Under different circumstances C would tell me that, him wanting to know about me is a good thing. Why do we have to do that if we are just having sex. We know each other enough. We were on the phone for almost an hour. We actually had a conversation. It wasn't hard or forced, it flowed and was comfortable.
I just had to do a little recap reading on this blog. The consistency in all the posts about Philly is that I must have been subconsciously talking my self out of feelings. In every single post I say how this is not going anywhere and that's a good thing. Dammit! For the record he told me the other day that he and his wife filed for divorce, before he met me. I don't think that I believe him. What the hell? I have been seeing him for 2 months and he just now springs this on me? Did he suspect that I would run? I liked the idea that it couldn't go anywhere. I was secure with that. We would not have to have the talk, it would be so simple. Now I almost panic because all the rules have changed and it could be more than I thought in the beginning. I can still run you know, and more than likely I will. (Sure tell yourself that!) I thought that I was a fairly smart girl. What have I gotten myself into. Have I tangled the sex and the emotions together? I sure hope not. At least I have this weekend to try and make some sense of it.-V