Dear Pornstache

Dear Pornstache,
I know that you work in my town from time to time. It's business after all. What I don't understand is the incessant need to drive past my office 27 effing times a day. I have heard on the grapevine that you are working out in one of the out-lying towns, in the opposite. direction. of. my. office.
You are probably thinking that one of these times you will drive by and I will be overcome with desire and run down the street after you. News flash pal, not in this lifetime. The reason that we broke up was not a trivial one. I am not "over it". You are married with 5 kids, douche bag.
More than likely your testosterone is really doing the dialing when you are calling me. STOP. You can call a million times, I will not answer. I learned a long time ago to keep exes numbers in my phone for that reason exactly.
If this type of behavior persists I will be forced to tell your brother (whom I still talk to just to piss you off!) about the unfortunate way you were in the sack. You tend to forget I know that the two of you barely tolerate each other, and are business partners because you have to be. Please don't make me give him ammunition against him.
Yes you heard right I do have a boyfriend, how we met and how often we get to see each other is not your business. Stop grilling my former boss about it. Or on the other hand keep it up, I hope you get to meet him soon. I am truly sorry that you can't just get over me. Please try.

Sincerely, not yours anymore.-V