This is really what I look like right now. I am scratching my head. I need to align my chakras. Do some breathing exercises and sort things out one at a time. I feel like I have been holding my breath for the last 2 weeks. Why? Is this the chance that I might miss? Could Philly be the one that I could spend more than a few months with? He has cut all the bullshit and I think that he is being honest when he says that he is really trying to be "my whole car". A bit of back ground on that comment. The other night he told me he was in love with me. I did not reciprocate, he wanted to know why? I told him self preservation. Sounds simple enough to me, but you know boys, sometimes you have to draw pictures for them. lol I explained that since he was newly divorced that he just isn't as available to a new relationship as I am. He tells me that he likes finding himself again and being single to a point. He says that he needs to remember who he is again. I understand this concept, I have needed a rediscovery before. He wants me to say that I love him and that I will be here when he is done with his mission. If I am then I will, but at this point I can't. How far would I get if I bought a half of a car? Not very far. Thus not telling him that I am in love with him, if I don't say it out loud, am I somehow saving myself? I think so. He doesn't. He understands my metaphor and wants to be my whole car. So do I hold my breath for this and pray that it actually happens? I just don't know.

He wants to move here. To. My. Town. Should I have anxiety about that? B thinks that I should. I don't.

T is not being helpful at all, she and her husband have a shit pile of their own problems. I think that it upsets her that Philly likes to spend time with me outside the bar. That's another post all together.

I just want to take things slow. After the conversation with Philly last night, he is convinced that I won't stay single for long after he leaves. Um ya well. I have been single for a long time why change it up now? Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Who can say?

Another thing that is weighing on my shoulders is that this girl R really wants to move into my spare bedroom. She is living with her parents right now, that always sucks. She recently broke up with her live in. I am doing just fine making my house payment all by myself. She offered to pay half if I would let her move in. That would be great then I could shop a little and get the remodeling that I want done. Is that really worth the sacrifice of living alone. I would have to share my ONE tiny bathroom. Not to mention that I would have take all of my things out of the spare bedroom. Where would B sleep when she comes down?

Back to the tension with T. I tried to talk this out with her so that I can figure out what to do. She really likes R and feels bad for her, she wants me to let her move in. What about me and my concerns?

C is going to call me in a minute, she will tell me what to do about all of this!-V