A delusion, in everyday language, is a fixed belief that is either false, fanciful, or derived from deception. Psychiatry defines the term more specifically as a belief that is pathological (the result of an illness or illness process). As a pathology, it is distinct from a belief based on false or incomplete information, illusion, or other effects of perception.
Delusions typically occur in the context of neurological or mental illness, although they are not tied to any particular disease and have been found to occur in the context of many pathological states (both physical and mental).
So here it is the post that makes me sound like a crazy person. In the sense that I did it again. I let myself think that things with Justin would be different. That it was something. When will I learn that they are all the same? I knew. I think that I did. I talk myself out of the reality so much that is it second nature.
He wasn't home packing he was at the bar, alone with the red headed slut bartender all. night. long. I am not blaming her for him not bothering to see me. Her true colors show too much for me to think that she is anything but conniving and back stabbing. She usually texts me to tell me that someone is in there that I might want to see. Funny, she didn't this time. Wonder if her live-in knows she has a mad crush on Justin? -See there is the crazy again.- She didn't prevent him from wanting to see me.
I'm irritated and frustrated. But surprisingly not only with him. Mostly myself. I do this ALL. THE. TIME. I should be slapped for thinking this was different. Mostly I should be slapped for letting what he does effect me so much. It's all a jumble in my head right now. I make myself feel this way. How did I become this person? I used to truly love myself. I was comfortable in my skin. I can't believe that I am a person that looks in the mirror now and truly hates what she sees. That depresses me more than the image that reflects back at me. How did my entire mental stability become hinged on if I am accepted or rejected by some guy?-V
3 years ago
7 comments:
Buck up pretty girl! For one, you are not meeting friends at the grocery store. You need to broaden your perspective and stop getting caught up. What are we going to do with you? BTW what happened to that tough as nails girl you used to tell me about? I'm glad she isn't so tough but quit playing with these dumb boys and stick to the ones who you know are real maybe? I don't know the answers as you well know. I've been dead for years but I hate to see you keep going through this. When things circle around the bar and the bar sluts, they inevitably circle in on any prey that seems suitable at the time. They are not as guilty as he and if I know you, you probably played the whole nonchalant I have no hold on you act which made you seem like you only wanted a play toy. How do you spell non..blahblah anyway?
Most of all..look in the mirror, see the girl who deserves more and set your standards high! You work hard, you work out hard, you respect yourself. You just lost sight again. Smile! Kick yourself in the ass and give Joe a call.
xo
C
You're amazing. I think that tough girl is still in here somewhere. I think she is just a little softer and missing for a minute. You are right. I have lost myself, again. Right again about me playing with the dumb boys. I don't think I would know a "real" one if I saw him? It's been too damn long, if ever. You are wiser than you know even though you are dead. I am going to take a little mental vacay and see if I can make all this make some sense in my head. I think a big part of it is that I am just done. Done with living the single life. I am tired of doing it all by myself all the time. Sure, single life is fun. To a point. I've had a 'few' years of the single life. Now I am tired. But not tired enough to settle. That missing girl in me knows that, it's the slightly unstable girl that is here now that is confused about settling and compromising. The bar slut part of it reminds me why I want to leave this place, ya know? Broaden my horizons. I always knew you were onto my nonchalant game. That's how I make it look like I don't care and then have a melt down when he can't read my mind. Stupid boys!
All of your words of wisdom feel like a big hug and that is EXACTLY what I need. Thank you for listening and understanding me better than I do. I consider myself lucky to be your friend!-V
p.s. Kick in the ass. Check.
Nice long chat w/Joe. Check.
Thanks xoxo
Wow you rock!!!
C
The only thing she has that you don't is a stocked bar. Now, go out and get some liquor, stock the refrigerator and shelves, and go get your man.
Thanks for the advice BBSD! I am all about stocking the shelves and the fridge with liquor!-V
Apologies, this is going to be an epic comment.
Firstly, ALL of what C said. Stop chasing men who don't deserve you. I know it's hard being single (hello!!...) but desperation attracts sleazeballs, people happy to take advantage of vulnerability for their own sorry reasons. Give yourself a break from it and spend some time learning how to be truly happy on your own without being constantly on the lookout for a guy.
This takes time and effort, and when you reach this wondrous point you might find you don’t attract as many guys, but the quality will be better because they will be responding to a complete individual. Your new-found integrity and the friends you'll make along the way will ease the ache of relationship-need anyway (there are some fabulous 'toys' on the market to ease other kinds of ache). A supply of liquor and fine company to drink it with is of course important under any circumstances!
The main thing is, though, if you're sick of the man-misery, identify what's missing from your life and then take steps to change it. The trick is to admit that nothing and nobody can magically make you happy apart from you. You have to keep it internal.
When I did this process I found I was missing 'love', 'fulfilment' and 'good friends'. I looked hard at myself and saw I was resentful about the lack of love in my life but in a radical departure from my normal thinking, instead of blaming the cruel world and all the dorks in it I saw I didn't 'love' myself and I certainly wasn't a very good friend to anyone. I noticed too I also constantly shortchanged myself. So I endeavoured to treat myself with more respect and to be a better friend to my friends. I worked out actual, physical ways of doing these things. And my life changed. I grew to like myself and made real friends for the first time.
It's a simple formula but huge and scary to put into practice because you have to abandon a large part of yourself.
So look at where you are right now. What are you happy with, miserable about? Assess what you've done to reach this point. If what you've been doing hasn't worked out for you - change your actions. Do things differently. If you carry on doing the same shit, you'll get the same results, period.
I hope this doesn’t sound like a pompous lecture but it just breaks my heart to read about your misery over men. I went through that in my 20s/30s even when I was with a good man. Like I just said, when we broke up I found I was nobody. I didn't exist. I revolted myself. I'd given myself away in order to be with a person I wasn't crazy about just so I didn't have to face the world on my own.
I chose not to make that kind of sacrifice again.
I've spent the time since then finding out who I am. I've attempted to stay single to give myself room to go through that process. There’ve been a couple of experiments along the way and now I find I only want to be with someone if they’re worth it - not just because they happen to come along when I'm lonely.
In ten years only one person has fitted that bill (you know who...) and it's been fine; he is worth waiting for, and to my surprise I’ve found I don't evaporate without him. He is an added bonus to an already happy life. I’m ok either way.
Broadening horizons is a great place to start, by the way. Fresh fields and pastures new and all that. You'll learn loads and the business of survival in unfamiliar places will take your mind off the other stuff. Recommended!
Meantime, HUGS, be strong, I hope things work out for you. I can tell by reading your blog you are a person who fully deserves to be able to look themselves in the eye when they look in a mirror. That person you knew is still inside you, she’s just lost amongst the static. Don't compromise - never compromise. Listen to your instinct and respect what it tells you – it does know best.
Love xxx
Very well said Weasel. I agree, I too have gone through many positive changes by learning to like and listen to my self and assess my needs. I think it's a hard place to get to but a very necessary place.
C
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